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Dad Jeans: Be Nice to Your Balls

September 22, 2010

Two weeks to the day after my daughter was born I marched into a tony clothing boutique, slapped down my credit card, and shelled out an obscene amount of money on a single pair of jeans. A pair of jeans that, I’ll admit, I wasn’t even that crazy about.

It was a statement. My way of saying to the world I may have spit-up splotches on my shoulders, but I’ve still got style. The jeans were folded and wrapped in tissue paper then placed into what was perhaps the finest shopping bag I’d ever seen. I hurried home, slipped past my wife, and hung them in the far end of my bedroom closet….where they remain to this day, some eight months later, unworn.

The reason? I care about my balls. That’s right. As on-the-clock dads we’re called upon to bend, kneel, crawl, shimmy, sprint, twirl, bounce, flip, flail, and perform any of a hundred other gymnastic maneuvers during the course of a day. And all that can be tough on the sack, even in the best of circumstances. Try worming after your toddler with raw Japanese denim clung to your cajones and you’re liable to rupture a nut.

Your new favorite term: Relaxed fit. Relaxed as in you can run a conga line down the space between your crotch and waist. You want the sartorial equivalent of a station wagon. You want—no, your balls want—dad jeans!

Look, even our president wears them.

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